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Bitterman Carries Wetnaps

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Bitterman Carries Wetnaps

Post  Magic Matt Malone on Wed Jun 03, 2015 12:52 pm

The AXNtron flashes to life and focuses in. The lovely Candy Kane stands outside the locker rooms, holding a microphone.

CANDY: Please welcome my guest tonight, Magic Matt Malone.

MMM and Bitterman step into the picture. Instead of his normal dapper suit, MMM is in his ring outfit: royal blue trunks, a white, fur stole, and white ring boots with pink fur at the top. Bitterman--as usual--is holding the infamous suitcase.

CANDY: This is a big night for you, Magic Matt. Tonight you face your childhood friend Tom Midas in an Iron Man Match for the AXN World Heavyweight Championship. How does that make you feel?

Candy tries to hand MMM the mic, but he pushes it away.

MMM: Get that poor people mic out of my face. BITTERMAN! MICROPHONE! N--

Before MMM can finish his catchphrase, Bitterman hands him the diamond crusted microphone. MMM snatches it from him.

MMM: Don't hand me the mic until I finish my catchphrase, you idiot! How are we going to sell T shirts if you step on my promo?

BITTERMAN: Forgive me sir, I only thou--

MMM: I don't pay you to think. You're lucky I pay you at all.

BITTERMAN: My apologies, sir. (Bitterman steps back, out of the camera shot)

MMM: Now then, did you just ask me how I feel, Candy? No, don't answer that. I don't need more stupidity in my presence. Why is it that I SHINE LIKE GOLD, and everyone else sucks in light like gutter sludge?

CANDY: Yes well, how do you feel?

MMM: I feel...exactly how a Prince should feel. I feel princely. I feel royal. I feel like when I look down at the audience, I see adoring peasants waiting for their prince charming to sweep them off their feet...I feel good, Candy. I feel good, I knew that I would. So good, so good, cause I've got...the fans!

CANDY: The fans?

MMM: I'm sorry, is there reverb coming from the mic, or just a silly interviewer? But yes, I feel good for the fans. You see, unlike Tommy Midas, who only cares about winning, I'm here for the fans. It's the fans that make AXN happen. It's the fans that buy tickets to see their prince. It's the fans that buy my T shirts and DVDs. It's the fans that'll make AXN, and everyone inside of it, rich.

I'm already rich, but that only makes me want it. Yes, I want that belt around my perfectly sculpted, glistening abs...they're pretty nice, Candy, don't you think? But I also want to put on the best match AXN has ever seen. I'm not just here to be a champ, I'm here to be a legend, THE LEGEND. I've got a hundred ways to hurt you...not you, Candy...Tommy. I'll show off every one. I'll make the crowd stand up and cheer. I'll put their gigantic butts in our seats from now on.

It's like I told Chef and Tommy: put this crumbling fed on my shoulders, and I'll take it further than it's ever gone. Once I win that belt, AXN will never be the same. Not just I, but all of AXN will SHINE LIKE GOLD!

CANDY: Strong words from a rising superstar. Good luck on your match tonight.

Candy casually touches MMM on the arm to wish him luck.

MMM: Whoa there. What's that? You don't get to touch me. Nobody touches THE PRINCE OF NEW YORK unless I say so. BITTERMAN! WETNAPS! NOW!

BITTERMAN: Yes sir.

Bitterman rushes back into the scene and wipes off MMM's arm with a handiwipe.

MMM: I hope I didn't catch any poor people disease. Let's go. BITTERMAN! LOCKER ROOM! NOW! And get me some pre-match gyros.

MMM and Bitterman walk away, leaving Candy alone in the camera shot.

CANDY: There you have it. A very confident Magic Matt Malone, ready for the match of his career. (whispers offstage) Poor people disease? What's that even mean?

Magic Matt Malone

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